The Art Of Saying No
The Art Of Saying No
We all do it. We say ‘yes’ when we really want to say ‘no’ and we find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do - and that we don’t really have time to do - all because we don’t want to upset and disappoint the people around us - our family, friends, and colleagues.
But here’s the thing, you’re human, not a robot, and saying yes to every request that comes your way isn’t sustainable. It’s a recipe for burnout. Always saying yes isn’t the answer, learning to say no is. Here’s a few tips to get you started.
Tip #1: Break Your Yes Habit
If ‘yes’ has become your default answer to every request, try resetting your response. If someone asks you to do something, say ‘let me look at my week and I’ll let you know if I can’. Then with the time you’ve bought yourself, think about two things: your capacity to take on an additional request, and how you’ll feel about saying ‘yes’ when it’s time to deliver on your promise, and if you can’t do it or you don’t want to, say ‘no’.
Tip #2: Keep It Simple
If you usually say yes, saying no will feel uncomfortable at first, and your discomfort will make you want to give a detailed explanation for why you have to say no, but doing that will only confuse things and make it seem like you’re making excuses or being flakey when you’re not. Keep it simple. Let’s say a friend has asked you to help them with something, and saying yes will mean giving up most of your weekend, say no simply by saying something like, ‘I’m so sorry, I honestly would love to be able to help, but I have so much on this weekend and I can’t’.
Tip #3: Don’t Leave Things Open Ended
If you find saying no hard, it can be tempting to offer up a soft no (e.g. ‘I’m not sure I can, but let me see if there’s any way I can make that work’ … knowing full well you can’t), or an open-ended no (e.g. I can maybe help with that, let me see’) instead, but no’s like that don’t get the job done, and they can end up making things worse. You might feel like you’re saying no, but it’s a ‘no’ that’s phrased in a way that lets other people hear yes, and that rarely ends well.
Don’t leave room for misinterpretation. Say no in a way that makes it clear yes isn’t on the table. Try, ‘I’m so sorry I would have loved to have been able to attend/help, but I have so much on my plate at the moment, and I’m not going to be able to’.
Tip #4: Try A Modified Yes
If ‘no’ feels too out of reach, start your ‘no’ practice with a modified yes. For example, if your colleague asks for your help with something and you want to help but you’re pretty flat out with your own deadlines, say something like: ‘I have a few things due today that I have to finish first, but I can help you between 4 and 5pm, or first thing tomorrow morning if that helps?’ You’re still saying yes, but on terms that suit you, meaning saying yes won’t add to your stress.
Tip #5: Mange Your Guilt
If you’ve always said yes, saying no will make you feel guilty at first. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re doing something different and your guilt needs time to recalibrate. Which it will, with practice, so keep at it.
Our experienced clinicians can discuss your concerns - contact us to learn more.
