Common Reasons Kids Misbehave
Common Reasons Kids Misbehave
All kids go through behavioural rough patches, even kids with terrific parents. Sometimes rough patches are developmental - the result of your child not having developed the skills they need to regulate themselves yet - but rough patches can also be a symptom of parenting traps - traps that mean that without meaning to, we teach our kids to behave in ways we don’t want them to.
If your child’s behaviour is wearing you down - start with these common parenting traps and their fixes. It might help more than you think.
Because You Don’t Give Me Attention Otherwise
Kids love feeling like they’re the centre of your world. You might not be attending to challenging behaviour with praise and rewards, but when it comes to learning and behaviour, whether the attention on offer is positive or negative is irrelevant, any attention is reinforcing, even long drawn out admonishments. Attention is a powerful reinforcer, take note of which behaviours grab yours most. If it’s the behaviours you don’t want to see, try to give more attention to the behaviour you do want to see instead.
Because You’re Expecting Too Much of Me
Misbehaviour can also be the result of a mismatch between what you’re expecting and what your child’s capable of. For instance, if your child doesn’t have the cognitive skills they need to process multiple instructions, triple barrelled requests, like ‘I want you to get dressed, pack your toys away, and take your dirty dishes to the sink’ will be a hard ask. Likewise, if their brain is still learning how to tune out distractions and stay on task, they’ll find getting ready for school without any prompts or help hard too. If your child isn’t doing what you want them to, check that your expectations are realistic.
Because You Keep Changing the Rules
When it comes to learning, consistency is key. If your child receives different feedback on different days, or if one parent enforces rules and consequences and the other parent doesn’t, it’s confusing and makes misbehaviour more likely. Hearing you talk about consequences is one thing, but experiencing consistent consequences is another. If your child’s misbehaving, be consistent and follow through - at least 80% of the time.
Because You Haven’t Told Me What I Should Do Instead
When kids misbehave it’s easy to fall into the trap of giving one-sided feedback, but for kids to behave well they need to know what you want them to do, not just what you want them to stop doing. The right course of action might seem obvious to you, but unless you teach your child how they can achieve their end goal without misbehaving, their misbehaviour will continue. Make sure your child knows what to do.
Because You Don’t Give Me A Chance to Feel in Control
There’s a lot kids aren’t in control of. They’re told what to wear, when to eat, what they can and can’t do and when – in a sense they’re micro-managed. As parents, we know there’s good reason for that, but it’s normal and healthy for kids to want some control over their life. When they don’t get it, they test boundaries and act out, all in the name of asserting their independence. Help your child to feel like they have some control by offering choices where you can - over what to eat, what to wear, things like that. But make sure you only offer choices you’re happy with - offering choice and then reneging on that will only make things worse.
Because I’m Hungry/Tired/Not Feeling Well
When kids are hungry, tired, or not feeling well, they find it harder to regulate their behaviour. It might seem like a poor excuse, but think about your own reaction to feeling sick, tired, and hungry. As adults, we’re more prone to irritability and emotional outbursts when we’re tired, hungry, and sick, and kids are no different. Make sure your child’s getting enough sleep and keep snacks on hand.
Because You’ve Taught Me That Misbehaviour Works
Sometimes kids misbehave because we’ve taught them to. Consider this – you’re on the phone and your little one’s tugging at your shirt because he wants to speak to you. You’re trying to focus on your conversation so you ignore him, but his tugging gets more and more insistent and so does his whinging. You let it go on like this for a while, but then eventually break – ‘WHAT?!? What is it? What do you want? Yes, you can have another cookie!’ Bingo. Yes, he knows your mad because your tone has made that clear, but his joy at getting what he wants overshadows that. In fact, you’ve taught him – without meaning to – that if he persists and is annoying enough, he’ll get what he wants. Try not to give into misbehaviour.
Because You Do It
Kids are pretty observant, and more often than not they’re most observant when we don’t want them to be. They learn a lot from what we do, not just what we say. You might tell your child to speak nicely and not yell at others, but if he sees you calling someone a bad name or overhears you mouthing off, he’ll do the same thing. When it comes to your child’s behaviour, it pays to remember that your actions are just as important, and sometimes even more important than your words. You need to teach your child to behave well by leading by example.
Our experienced clinicians can discuss your concerns - contact us to learn more.
